Daddy Issues

I am a person with daddy issues. I get it. I understand what not having a father’s presence in my life has done to my psyche. But just because I know, does not mean I have the power or the want to stop it.

I love from afar. I seek the unobtainable. I crush very easily and go on tireless campaigns to prove myself worthy, unforgettable, and needed. None of these actions are done to actually land the man. Just gestures to stun and awe. A means of validation, proving that I am lovable and unforgettable.

But there are times when, dissecting my various encounters, I wonder if my actions are less about validation and more about making my insecurities self-fulfilled prophecies.

I am unlovable because I do not allow myself to love or be loved. I am forgettable because nothing that I reveal is authentic or real, all about getting to know them but not them getting to knowing me. I will be alone because I trust myself with myself above anyone else. I will be alone because I actually like being alone, pushing people away or keeping people at bay so I can be alone.

Why do I do this?

It’s easier to be proven right, I know how to process that, than go down the unchartered road of being proven wrong. I don’t know how that would work or how to even evolve in that situation.

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Note to self, Loose Ends

Let’s start off by saying an apology is owed. This is the generic apology you give another for the part you’ve played in their own demise. The remorse for placating a situation of someone else’s choices biting them in the ass. So in that regard I am sorry. Note to your wife.

I apologize to you as well for the betrayal you feel, which was unleashed because of the betrayal I felt that day. I can acknowledge my wrongness. I WAS complicit in the lie. The lie that attached individuals tell themselves and the “other”. The lie that says, “if things could have been different or if I met you/known you first we could be”. But we both know that’s a lie. And those “what if” lies are the most devastating. They give hope. They feed dubious situations and irrational insecurities about worthiness, fulfillment, even aloneness.

That lie and that sense of connection fed a loneliness and sense of loss I had. Hell, it found places to fill inside me that I didn’t even know was empty. BUT again, it was a lie. A lie cloaked in possibilities. Let me be clear, I did job then nor do I now even believe that we wanted it to be true. But being broken together was better seemingly than being broken apart. Especially when neither has/had the courage to fix it. Maybe we didn’t even know we were broken then, but I see it now. Hindsight. 20/20.

Flash forward months down the line. A friendship you encouraged would yield an eventful, fruitful conversation that revealed the depths of your brokenness and the shallowness in what we created. I wasn’t the only one. Let’s be clear, I NEVER assumed that I was the only one to get the childish schoolboy antics you do in front of and behind of closed doors. EVERYBODY (and I mean everybody that has a vagina, that has met you) knows that side of you. So I don’t feign hurt that I was one of many in that sense. I am, however, hurt that I was not the only person that you created the “lie” with. The warmth of what potential we had was provided to another. There was a lack of genuine thoughts, expressions, words, and moments. Being made to believe that it was my inefficiencies and blindness that caused me to be missing out on a soulful, loving man. And although it is true, you were not that man but I was blind. Although you apparently have these conversations indiscriminately, I do not. I don’t lie about building a life, an escape from current life and responsibilities with men often. I am very deliberate with my attachments. So finding out you do/did more than once was hurtful.

But in an effort of having full disclosure, that summer, escape and building a life around the “lie” was the theme in my life. (Wow! Epiphany). Whether it was a wordsman, a soldier, or a politico, that summer I was revolving and evolving in a house of cards. Shaky. Flimsy. All lies.

So why was I mad at you? Especially when (realizing now) I was betraying you as well. Probably cause I was upfront and fully honest. Fully honest about it all. Undigested or unanalyzed, on my end, real time news feeds on it all. I do not open up often. I was genuine. You hid and hide from your connections. That’s what hurt. But all this sounds disingenuous due to the overall fact, see first paragraph.

With all that being said. I apologize for the betrayal and hurt feelings. I apologize for perpetuating the lie, leading to moments of disarray and upheaval. I apologize for my part in it all. You deserve it and are owed this. Note to self, apology accepted.

A Bird in the Hand

A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush…wait. Is that right?

I guess that means that the concrete is more important than the possibility. Right now all I have are possibilities. And I like what’s possible right now. The ideas that are in my head make me feel more grounded than any other moments. I am excited about breaking away…flying even. I am kind of envious of the imaginary birds.

So, I like the bush better than what’s in my hand.

Geeked out…

” I can’t believe I gave my panties to a geek.” Samantha Baker 16 Candles

I think about this sometimes when I review my past selections. Men are never as cool as they think they are. Women are just more accommodating, depending on where they are in life. And in my past life I have been very accommodating at times.

I can honestly say that at this time in my life I am all geeked out. Not that I do not have a thing for smart guys. Far from the truth. It just means that I am over the guys who think they are cooler, sexier, more worldly than they are. I am into those guys that are comfortable in their own skin, since I am very comfortable in my.

Shrinkage

He’s here now…

I must admit that my world feels smaller. Well, smaller than usual. I feel like everything has shrunk and threatening to swallow me.

It’s the possibility of a face to face that I dread. Not even that I couldn’t act nonchalant but its the nonchalant that I fear…

How do you play like everything is ok and all good when it diminishes what the relationship was, even if you were the only one to value it? How do you make nice when the person wasn’t nice to you…wasn’t even decent to you?

I begged for the release that I couldn’t give myself and instead of the words, there was silence. A silence that was shattering. A silence that was immobilizing. A silence that hurt. I hurt. He did that. He caused that.

And now there’s shrinkage. Things seem smaller. Distance is shorter.

He’s here now.